He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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