"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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