I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
