I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize