Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
