I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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