We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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