life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
