i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
