hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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