So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
did i just pee glitter
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