Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
