Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
