All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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