she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
