Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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