Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
