I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
