I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
