you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
