Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
