btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it hurts more in the daytime
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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