You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
