Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
