In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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