i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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