I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So vagazzling was a success
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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