My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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