I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
