I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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