I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
