I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
