You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
