seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
