Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
