Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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