he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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