i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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