Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
