What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
