this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
