I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
