You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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