Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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