A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
