My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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