The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
