I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
