I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
