When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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