you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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